Ever think—“Am I bad?”
Ever think, “Am I bad?”
That’s exactly what someone asked me on a call after sharing their work situation.
Right after, I went for a walk on the beach
And saw a young boy scrape his knee.
He was hurt. He got back up.
He left his identity out of it.
Imagine if this child remembered every bruise forever. And every fall compounded to make him think he’s the villain.
What would you say to this child?
“That wasn’t your fault.”
Yet, this is what some of us do…
When we experience hurt as adults, we start to interpret external situations as reflections of our personal flaws.
For instance, if a partner criticizes our efforts around the house or a manager gives blunt, aggressive feedback lacking empathy or supportive guidance…
We usually jump into questioning and blaming ourselves.
We start to think…
👎 Didn’t get the job? I’m bad.
😞 Didn’t hit the goal? I’m flawed.
🚫 Failed at something? I’m not enough.
👎 Relationship ended? I’m a bad person.
This narrative starts early.
From school. From parents.
❌ Bad grade = bad kid.
❌ No trophy = not valuable.
❌ No promotion = not enough
And over time, this thinking becomes automatic.
Enough bad events. We feel defeated.
And start to think, “I am a bad person; I must be the problem.”
So I am here to tell you:
1️⃣ External events and failures don’t define your worth, identity, or soul.
2️⃣ Emotional wounds and failures over time don’t have to compound into self-hate.
3️⃣ When this happens, shift your perspective from blame, “Am I bad?” to growth, “What can I learn?”
My Framework
After going through many different challenges and setbacks, I shared this little method on my call and also saw it in metaphorical action when I saw that boy on the beach.
1. First, remember:
It’s just life.
Bad things have always happened.
Things will continue to happen.
They have nothing to do with your character or being.
2. Next, make the distinction:
Experience = events happening
Identity = who we are
Experiences ≠ identity
Experience ≠ soul
3. Remember who you are:
If this experience isn’t your identity, ask…
→ Who am I beyond this experience?
→ How do I act with friends? What do I value?
→ What are the parts of me that are unchanged?
4. Lastly, ask:
→ How did I turn this around last time?
→ How can I prepare better next time?
→ What can I learn?
→ Can I even make this fun?
5. And very lastly:
Remember you only have two choices in life:
To continue being miserable because you think “I am bad” in every situation that happens to you.
Or find your strength and perspective on how life works, that struggle is part of the experience and even joy of learning. And learn to ride the waves.
If you choose two as the path forward:
Don’t numb or bully yourself into denying the hurt you are actually experiencing underneath. Feel the unfairness of the situation and life — liberating yourself with the thought that you are not the cause! Not always.
After observing this in life, I did some research:
1️⃣ Stoicism:
When things don't go our way, it's easy to slip into imagining worst-case scenarios, labeling ourselves as fundamentally flawed.
Stoicism teaches us that it's rarely the events themselves causing suffering, but rather our interpretation of those events.
"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." – Seneca
"It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." – Epictetus
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” - Marcus Aurelius
Our imagination in this case makes us believe we are a bad person after a few bad events where life just doesn’t work out the way we expect. Or someone acts towards us in ways we can’t control.
2️⃣ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
In therapy, the idea of labeling ourselves as inherently bad due to failures or criticism is called a distorted thought pattern. It typically looks like this:
“I failed; therefore, I am bad.”
The solution here is to teach ourselves to reframe those thoughts.
CBT teaches us to interrupt this automatic negative thinking and replace it with affirmations that are more realistic and true to the situation.
“I am learning and growing.”
With practice, just like going to the gym, your mind starts to replace these thoughts automatically. At first, it will feel difficult and even annoying—just like going to exercise every day. But eventually, it will become second nature.
3️⃣ Growth Mindset
The growth mindset, popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, is similar to CBT. I am sure all of you reading this have heard of this research.
It encourages us to view challenges, or any bad situations, as opportunities to develop resilience and new skills. Not as evidence that we are “fixed” and can’t change.
Adopting a growth mindset means embracing each situation with curiosity instead of letting setbacks define us.
"What can I learn from this?"
4️⃣ Internal Family Systems (IFS)
"You are not your thoughts; you are the observer of your thoughts."
IFS therapy teaches you to see the “inner critic” as just a part of you. A voice that is trying to protect you and that doesn’t define your true self. It’s the protective part shaped by past experiences, often from childhood. Which goes back to what I said earlier and how we get wired to think we’re bad since we’re very young.
The solution:
Acknowledge that this “I am bad” thinking is just a voice within you and not YOU.
Talk to this “part” or voice with understanding and compassion, honoring that it’s trying to protect you.
5️⃣ Hindu Philosophy
Vedanta philosophy teaches the distinction between transient experiences (body, mind, emotions) and our deeper, unchanging true self (Atman):
“You are not the body, nor the mind, nor the emotions. You are pure consciousness, witnessing everything.”
Recognizing our inherent value beyond temporary setbacks provides profound relief from self-criticism.
6️⃣ Kundalini Yoga
Here’s some of what I remember from my yoga teacher training that applies to this:
In Kundalini Yoga, you’re not trying to become someone else. You’re learning to return to who you’ve always been — underneath the stories. The breath, the movement, the mantras—they’re tools to clear the noise that says “I’m not enough” or “I’m bad.”
The mantra Sat Nam means: “Truth is my identity.”
Not your job title. Not the promotion you didn’t get. Not the mistake you made.
Kundalini teaches that energy moves like waves, just like the bad events, and when we train the nervous system (through breath and sound), we ride those waves with less identification and blame.
The waves of life aren’t your fault.
Your job isn’t to avoid them.
But to be with them.
So maybe next time…
→ You swim better.
→ You bring a life raft.
→ You show up with a surfboard.
Either way, you don’t continue drowning by sitting in the “I’m bad”
You come back to shore.
Refreshed.
And more ready.
Instead of blaming yourself more.
You turn the narrative into—wow, I went through that, and I’m so much better now.